Are You a Stay at Home Mom or a Working Mom?

Over the course of my ten years of motherhood I have been asked, probably a million times, the question "Are you a stay at home mom or a working mom?" I am admittedly a very social person. I like people, for the most part anyway. For nine years the answer to this question was so very simple. I am an at home mom I would easily toss off. For a while I did a little work at home but I still considered myself an at home mom because I still did not leave. I did a large amount of volunteer work over the years but I always brought Ivy with me or did it while she was in school. There was never a doubt in my mind that I was a stay at home mom.

About a year ago I went back to school. I am going full time for nursing. Now I find the question "Are you a sahm or working mom?" very difficult to answer. I am both simultaneously while not being either. I sit on the proverbial fence at this time. The first time I was asked after I went back to school I answered I am a sahm. The girl launches into how lonely it is and how this is the first time she has made it out of the house this week. (First off I was never "that mom" for very long. You know the mom that has not changed out of her sweat pants for days and complains that she is so bored. I am a very energetic person. I have been compared to a hummingbird stuck in a cage when I have been in the house too long. I have had a few spurts of this kind of thing over the years but it never lasted long. Honestly, who has not had this happen at some point in their child rearing life? My worst time was after I had my second baby. We moved when Bella, my now toddler, was less than six weeks old. I know we are nuts. Other then moving she was my entire life for about three months. The month and a half after we moved here was awful! I spent a couple weeks unpacking but then nothing! I was getting antsy! It was winter and nasty out. By the time I was able to get out I did not know the area very well. I had lived around here when I was younger but it had been almost ten years! Things change a lot in ten years and so do people! The things that interested me then were old hat by now. After a few months I started to find my footing here.) I told the girl I was not lonely or bored. She said "What do you do all day?" I said "Well, I take care of my kids and house. I take the girls on at least a couple outings a week. I run a couple days a week. I run the household errands, like paying bills and grocery shopping. I go to class three days a week and spend at least an hour a day on homework." I could tell by the look on her face something was not right. She gives me a dirty look and says "I thought you said you were an at home mom." I looked at her completely at a loss and said I did. She said "If you are leaving three days a week you are not a stay at home mom." At that moment I realized that she had not heard anything else I said. She was hung up on the fact that I left my children to go to class. My nine years as an at home mom and the experiences that came from them were suddenly useless. She got up and walked away as I sat there feeling like I had been slapped. I was so used to being an at home mom I was shocked to know that at least some people no longer considered me part of that club.

A few weeks went by. I was once again asked this question. I sat there so long trying to decide what to tell her that she repeated the question figuring I did not hear her. I looked at her and said I am not sure. This must have confused her. She gave me the weirdest look. I said "I am in school full time. I guess I am a working mom because I leave my kids three days a week." She started laughing and asked how long my classes were on those three days. I told her I was gone for four hours two days and nine the other. She said "That is not even enough hours to work part time and you do not get paid. I do not think you are a working mom. Now I am a working mom. I go to work five days a week. By the time I add in driving, I leave my kids for almost ten hours a day." I said "But I am not an at home mom either." She just looked at me for a minute. Then she shrugged her shoulders and said "I do not know what to tell you. Maybe you are both or neither." I had nothing to say here. I was lost. I actually said "It was nice talking to you but I think we need to be going now." I got up, collected Ivy from the play equipment and left.

I have been trying to figure out the answer to this question ever since. Now whenever I am asked I just say I am a full time student. This allows the other mom to decide for herself. Some say I am a stay at home mom, others say I am a working parent, but the majority just say "oh" and move on. I do not think most people are quite sure which way they should categorize me. After all that is the point of this seemingly innocent question, to place the other mothers you meet in a category. I have friends on both ends of the scale. I relate well to the working moms because I have some of the same struggles they do. How to get everything done on busy days, the dread of a looming deadline or sick kid, trying to figure out who will watch the kids when you leave and trying to do as much work from home as possible so you do not have to leave them. After nine years as an at home mom I still relate well to the sahm as well. I have been there. I understand their struggles and why they do what they do. For now I do not belong to either club. I hope that I will continue to meet open minded people who can accept me for who I am, a unique individual, instead of trying to categorize me and place me into a predetermined section.