Normally I put my oldest on the bus at 8am and she gets home at 4pm. My husband leaves for work by 4:30pm. He is home during the day and Ivy is home during the evening. Today my husband went boating and fishing with my uncle. It has been just Bella and me all day. I did not have a lot that I had to get done today so I ended up with too much time to think. This does not happen often. I live a busy life but I enjoy it. However my brain is constantly going through things. There is always way too much pinging around in there. Today just put the spotlight on it.
Not until I had a little additional time, did I realize how much not only my life has changed but how much I have changed in the last few years. A few years ago I had an Aha! Moment. A true Epiphany. That was when I first realized that somewhere along the way my life had gone off track. I was becoming the thing I hated. I looked in the mirror and saw a sheep. I was the stereotypical boring and bored housewife. I no longer liked my life, let alone loved it. After being at home for a few years I began to lose myself. I did not drive for the first 5 years I was an at-home mom. I did not get out nearly as much as I would have liked to. Making friends became increasingly difficult when we moved from an apartment complex when Ivy was two to a country setting. At this point my self-esteem started to nose dive. When she was 3 1/2 we moved into the downtown area of a small town. I was happy because I could walk to someplace. My husband changed jobs to a place where he would only be home four days a month. I had to learn to drive. If something happened to Ivy I could not risk not being able to get her to the doctor. I had a lot of anxiety about driving. I recognized the fact that it had to be done so I stepped up. It was the first fear I confronted. It went well within a month I was driving fairly well. This was a bigger change then I could have ever foreseen. This was the first time in years that I was proud of myself, not my children, myself. I cannot explain this to someone who has not been there.
My daughter started school. I had met a few people in town but I had made no real friends. A few weeks into school her teacher asked if I would be interested in being a reading aid. They were looking for somebody willing to come in twice a week. I agreed and was thrilled by the thought of helping children. I loved the hours I spent there. After a couple months the school librarian asked if I would be willing to help out in the library once a week. She told me she really needed my help. She was a nice lady so I agreed. I started spending two days a week as a reading aid and one in the library. Within a month another mother approached me and invited me to my first PTO meeting. I went and somehow ended up being the PTO hospitality chair. I am not sure how that happened but the ladies were friendly so I went with it. Once I got back into a social situation I started to notice that I did not fit in well. I was socially a little rough around the edges from years of being at home. I was often oversensitive. I did not come from this small town although I loved it. The women acted as if they were excited to get to know me. They asked me tons of questions and told me loads about themselves. It did not take me long to notice that they all talked about each other behind their backs. However they were the first friends I had made in years so I kept the relationships going.
Over the summer my daughter's Girl Scout troop leader quit. She was so upset! The troop leader called and asked me to take over the troop. I reluctantly agreed. I made another small turning point at about this time as well. I sat down and wrote out a list of the things that I wanted to change about myself. I must point out that I am a list person but this was something completely different. This was not a list of things for dinner, places to visit, or errands. It was not even a wish list of things I wanted in life. You know the silent list in your head that says things like buy a home or retire at 65. This was a list of the things that were wrong in my life that I had control of. I wrote out the things I was unhappy about. Then I wrote what I could do about it. Anything that you are unhappy about in your life you have the ability to change. I had read this but did not honestly believe it at that time. I said to myself, “Yeah, I can just do anything I want. Sure, and pigs fly too.” I had no idea what was ahead of me. I figured if I was going to try this life changing stuff I had to start somewhere. I decided to quit smoking. I tried the cold turkey method and failed. I tried the patch and I failed. I tried to gum and…yeah, that’s right, I failed. I tried the lozenge and once again failed. That’s when I quit trying to quit.
The following school year they talked me into taking on two additional projects for the PTO while keeping the chair of hospitality. This brought me up to six volunteer positions. I am an organized and hardworking individual. I kept up with it nicely. At this point I made my first few real friendships in that small town. These were people who were nice to me and did not pressure me to do anything. I had my yearly check-up and talked to my doctor about quitting smoking. She said I think I’ve got an idea. I will openly admit it, I used Chantix. It worked wonders! I had tried to quit many times but this time was different. I was getting really stressed out. I called the doctor and she suggested exercise. I had a YMCA membership that we used for children’s programs and swimming. I began going to the gym whenever I felt too stressed out. After a couple months of being on Chantix I was doing really well until I had one very bad day. I snapped. I had not smoked a cigarette in a while but I did that day. I smoked one and immediately lit another. I felt sick and my eyes were watering from the smoke. I was so upset with myself. I threw down the cigarette and stomped on it. I threw the rest of the pack in the outdoor trash can. I knew right then that I was done smoking. It was at that point that I remembered the list. I went in the house, dug the list out of the back of my planner, and crossed out quit smoking. I sat there in stunned silence that I had done one of the things on this list! I knew right then that I could do anything on it. It was going to take a lot of work but I could do everything on that list. I could be happy. I did not know how but I knew it was possible. I made a promise to myself at that point to finish the list, to do the things that make me happy, and turn the corner in my life.
At the end of the school year I was nominated for PTO vice-president. I was so flattered that I accepted without ever stopping to consider the outcome. I had fallen into the trap. I got so caught up in trying to be nice that I had way too much on my plate. I was now doing seven volunteer positions. I sold things part time on E-Bay, mainly vintage books and clothing. I did not have an actual paid hourly job but I was putting in just as many hours if not more a week. I had weeks that I was doing 70+ hours! I was losing it. I was still going to the gym to deal with the stress of life. But this was too much stress even for me. My husband and I had begun talking about having another baby. We were living in a two bedroom townhome at the time. We talked about moving into a three bedroom house. When Ivy was about half way through second grade we found a big place in the country. It was not in the same school district. My husband, Michael, asked if I thought it was alright to move Ivy. I told him I wasn’t sure but I thought we should try it. I knew it was what was best for me.
I know it sounds funny but I both loved and hated our country house. I loved it because when we moved I quit all the volunteer positions. I knew that I could not do them any longer. I was tired of feeling used. The ladies who had got me into most of this were pretend friends. They needed something from me. Once I moved I did not hear from most of them again. I felt like I was on a prolonged vacation when we first moved to that house. I quit selling things on E-bay as well. I was just Ivy’s mommy and a housewife. My husband switched to a new job that allowed him to be home on weekends. It was nice to see him more often. Within a few months of moving in I found out I was pregnant. We were so excited. The pregnancy came with a few ups and downs. One of the biggest ups was that I rediscovered church. Ivy and I began going to family night every Wednesday. The biggest down was a fall when I was 26 weeks pregnant and the following night in the hospital. The country became boring quickly. I realized before the first year in our new home was over that I was not meant to live in the country long term. I was bored once the novelty wore off. I began to hate the place. I only had a couple of friends at church. Michael got a new job in Kentucky where he could be home every day. After him being gone so much for more than four years it was amazing! The only problem was we lived in Indiana. He was spending over 3 hours on the road daily.
In December of 2009, Bella was born. Ivy turned 9 in January. We moved to Kentucky to be closer to Michael’s work in February. Our lives were once again in upheaval. This time the pieces fell into place much faster. It did not take us long to feel at home. I had always wanted more kids so having Bella meant the world to me. I still had my list in my thoughts. The next one was personal confidence. I know this is something that woman struggle with after children. I had just had a baby a few months before that. I honestly felt more confident in myself after having her. I made out a short list of the things that bothered me the most about myself physically and then took action. I had a ton of dental work done. I had already begun working out when I quit smoking. I got back in the swing and picked up the pace. I chopped off my hair and donated it to locks of love. I promised myself that I would start taking more of an interest in myself. For the very first time since I had kids I cared about how I looked. I always tried to look acceptable but I knew that in the end it did not matter. I was certain that I wasn’t pretty so why try too hard. I decided that I should wear whatever made me happy. I started to notice that I was the issue. I was being too hard on myself. There was nothing truly wrong with me that wasn’t easily fixable. I started to take the time to do my hair and make-up every day. I began to feel a little more like the girl I once was.
The next one on my list was to be able to provide for the future of my family. I started thinking about returning to work. I knew my job options were slim since I never attended college. After a lot of thought and research I made a choice to go back to school. I knew going in that it would not be easy but at the end I would be able to financially care for my children for the first time. I kept this goal in the front of my mind as I nervously attended my first classes. I honestly could never have dreamed how much I would learn in college that had nothing to do with the classes. It changed me in unexpected ways. I am more confident, adventurous, social, and cultured. I have learned about art, people, science, writing, history, math, public speaking, and picked up many other skills. It has inspired me to take other chances in my non-educational life. It has affected me so deeply.
Today I had a chance to look back. It was startling to remember who I was just a few years ago. I have changed in so many ways. I am now a mother of two and a non-smoker. I am in good shape. I can run and not just around the block. I am proud of who I am. I have many real friends who want nothing but my company. My marriage is better than it has ever been. I got my adventurous spirit back. I am social, friendly, and open. I am more educated. I now know that I can do anything I want to do. I feel like I am the person I was always meant to be. I wish I would not have wasted so many years worrying about failure or what people would think. I wish I could go back and tell myself that not ever trying is the real failure. Hard work and perseverance has paid off. In the end it does not matter what anyone else thinks. It only matters that you do the things that make you happy. If you are proud of who you are you can stand up to the masses and say “If you have an issue with me, please feel free to kiss my ass!”
Life offers you a Thousand Chances; all you have to do is take one!
The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. – CS Lewis
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